31 year old publicly documenting her journey through life. You will see into my journey as a late diagnosed AuDHD, child of a narcissistic mother, survivor of domestic violence, single parent of two AuDHD children, former addict, eating disorder, and other mental health topics.
If I could go back in time, I would wrap my arms around the little girl I once was. I’d tell her she is strong, even in the moments when she feels small. I’d remind her that even though she didn’t always feel loved, she has always been worthy of love.
I wish she had been hugged more, held more, cherished more. She deserved that. She deserved so much more than she ever received.
And if I could, I’d whisper to her: You are not broken. You are enough. One day, you’ll see the strength that’s been inside you all along.
Early morning 3/29, i found myself on the side walk sobbing and calling out for my mommy.
I had just regained consciousness from hitting my head on the sidewalk. I was being held in the arms of my abuser. He said he “saved” me. He was the reason i was on the ground in the first place. Trying to escape him.
I will never understand why my heart wanted my mother so badly. Why i kept calling out “i want my momma, i want my mommy…”. But i did. And when i tried to call a few days later after years of no contact, i was let down yet again.
Over the last two years I’ve experienced a lot. But over the last few months, the most unimaginable things. My heart hurts. My soul is sad. I long for a mother that never existed. I long to be held the way i cradle my daughters when they’re in despair.
But I will never have that. I never did. I’m still in the battle zone. I will be for a while. But i have found an amazing support system who loves me. A new momma that cares about me. A bunso who protects me. Though my poppa, brother, and sister are far away, i feel their love. It will never replace the love of a mother, but i never knew what that felt like in the first place.
What i do know, is that i will get through this storm. With God, my friends, and my family.
The week of this assignment involved: 📄 filing and serving a restraining order 👮🏻 phone calls with sheriffs, 🕵🏼 detectives, and 👨🏻💼 state attorneys 🤕 a nice little concussion 😢 a couple mental breakdowns 👨🏻⚖️ a few trips to some courts And yet…
I KILLED THIS ASSIGNMENT.
I will continue to thrive. I WILL finish my education and give my girls answers I the BEST possible life.
Even with good things happening, I still feel empty. I’ve worked so hard to get here. I’m working so hard to make sure my daughters are okay. We’ve made it through a hard year. We’re doing better now.
Too many thoughts inside.
But there are some personal wolves I’ve been avoiding. I’m scared to face them. It’s easier for me to fight battles for others, especially my daughters’ wolves. But why can’t I face my own?
I’m just not ready to accept this wolf. I’m afraid I’m not strong enough to face it.
After The Wolf 