Tag / motherhood

by lifeafterthewolf

Trauma Therapy

This week, I had my therapist and a neuropsychologist refer me to trauma therapy.

No, not because of things that happened in my adult life. As traumatic as they are, I have been slowly working through those. However, I struggle most with my childhood.

This seems to be a repeating pattern. Every time I begin treatment with a mental health provider, I shut down when it comes time to talk about my childhood. My childhood is mostly black, and the memories that I do have are not positive. Unfortunately, it seems that the root of my issues is the relationship, or lack of, with my mother.

The long lasting effects of the childhood abuse has caused issues with myself and my own parenting. I see so much of myself in my children and I get triggered so easily because of it. When I look at my daughters, I cannot fathom ever saying the things that were said to me. I can’t imagine putting my hands on them the way my mother laid her hands on me. I hold them in my arms the way I wish I would have been held.

That’s a good thing right? Of course it is. For my children. But it is so mentally draining for myself. I am often reminded of the things I did not receive. And to be quite honest, I get jealous.

Those who know me personally know that my children have had to deal with traumatic experiences throughout their childhood. The guilt weighs down on me every day. I get so angry at myself sometimes because I feel like it could’ve been prevented had I had a different childhood. If I hadn’t been made to feel like I was worthless constantly, I wouldn’t have spent my adulthood believing that I was unworthy of positivity and love. Maybe things could’ve been different? I can’t change the past, but I really want to change the future for my daughters.

I know that I have received support from a multitude of people as an adult. And I am so so grateful. Even those who have told me that they were not helping me for me, but that they were helping me because of my daughters and their love for them. That’s OK. I’m thankful for them.

I am so grateful that my sister has stepped in various times in my life to help me with my children when she could while balancing her own struggles. That, even though she and I did not have a good relationship as children and estranged relationship as adults, she still was so selfless in her love. I am so thankful for my other sister and my aunt in Mexico, who also selflessly stepped in to help me in my times of need. I’m so thankful for my father, who continues to support & love me and my daughters whole heartedly through all of my mistakes. Thankful for my younger brother who has a big brother heart and spirit. Who has rescued me multiple times, especially with my car troubles. I’m thankful for my youngest brother who I have an estranged relationship with due to my mother. Thankful because I hold on to hope that I can one day have a relationship with him.

So many times I have been pointed towards trauma therapy, and I have ran. I was not ready to face the reality of my childhood. Quite frankly, I’m not sure if I ever will be. But what I do know is that I am desperately clinging onto hope that this could help me. I am so afraid. I don’t know if I want to know what happened. I’m afraid of repressed memories.

I have to do this though. I want to be a better mother. Right now I’m doing the best that I can but I know that my unresolved issues with my childhood will continue the weigh down on me.

So I’m going to try.

Wish me luck.

by lifeafterthewolf

Note about my Birth Giver

I have to say something.

My mother is fake. Her name is Cynthia Jimenez. “Mujer de Valor” on social media. She is on social media posting about what a great person she is and calling herself a “woman of valor”. What she fails to mention is that she herself is an abuser.

My mother and father had a toxic relationship. Fine. What I don’t understand is why she is still dragging his name through the mud years later. Why is she still involving herself with his PRESENT drama. it doesn’t involve you, let it go. She’s also been sending people to my social media but unfortunately for her, their profile views on TikTok are on and I can see who she is sending.

You see, she has made a name for herself by victimizing herself. She talks about my siblings with high praise and talks about her other grandchildren. She doesn’t talk about my children, she doesn’t talk about me, she doesn’t talk about the hurt she would cause me. She fails to mention that we have been no contact since February yet again. She doesn’t mention that I let her know that she hurt my feelings by degrading me and she chose to leave me on read and not reply. However, she did make a post on her social media that day that she wanted prayers because she was having a rough day. She only noticed that I was limiting my contact when I unfollowed her on social media. That’s all I was, a subscriber or a follower to her.

She doesn’t mention the years of physical and mental abuse. The black eye she sent me to school with and told me to blame my brother on. She doesn’t mention how she denied mental health care for myself which I now realize it was because of fear. She was afraid of me exposing the truth of her abuse. She would not only abuse me but she would abuse a girl that she had in her state licensed daycare. I was a child back then and did not know any better I just stayed quiet. She doesn’t mention how she would shove food down my throat instead of getting me help for my eating disorder. Chili pepper in my eyes and my mouth, being kicked with shoes on, having to strip down to just my underwear so that she could physically inspect me for self harming instead of getting me help. She only found out about the self harm because a teacher noticed after four years. She doesn’t talk about how she favors my siblings and how she won’t admit that I am an accident. She sure always made me feel like one though. She doesn’t talk about how she stopped feeding me for months and I had to scavenge for food late at night because she would refuse to make food for me when she found out that I had a girlfriend in high school. She doesn’t talk about how she would tell me that she was going to send me to an orphanage at least on a weekly basis.

She blames me for my rape. She didn’t visit me when I was in the hospital for my first suicide attempt. She refused to open her doors to me when I became homeless with my nine month old. she knew I was homeless when I was in California and offered to take my children but only if I gave her my rights. What about me? She helped my sister move across the country and let her stay with her so that she could get on her feet, but me? She loves to watch me suffer. The repercussions of my own actions she would say.

She doesn’t tell people about how she belittled me and blamed me for my daughters trauma response to her sexual assault. She belittles my daughter for being autistic and the behaviors that come along with it. She doesn’t tell others about how she blamed me when my ex-husband physically assaulted me and told me that if I had stayed quiet, he wouldn’t have put hands on me. She told me last year that she wanted to take me out of her will, go ahead. Why would you tell me that? To hurt me? I don’t care.

There’s so much more. This is just the beginning. She is speaking at a national conference next weekend to talk about how to be a better woman and how to leave an abusive relationship and how to recognize signs of abuse when she doesn’t even recognize them in herself. Better yet, I’m sure she does know and she just is ignorant about it.

The truth will get out there. It’s only a matter of time.