Early morning 3/29, i found myself on the side walk sobbing and calling out for my mommy.
I had just regained consciousness from hitting my head on the sidewalk. I was being held in the arms of my abuser. He said he “saved” me. He was the reason i was on the ground in the first place. Trying to escape him.
I will never understand why my heart wanted my mother so badly. Why i kept calling out “i want my momma, i want my mommy…”. But i did. And when i tried to call a few days later after years of no contact, i was let down yet again.
Over the last two years I’ve experienced a lot. But over the last few months, the most unimaginable things. My heart hurts. My soul is sad. I long for a mother that never existed. I long to be held the way i cradle my daughters when they’re in despair.
But I will never have that. I never did. I’m still in the battle zone. I will be for a while. But i have found an amazing support system who loves me. A new momma that cares about me. A bunso who protects me. Though my poppa, brother, and sister are far away, i feel their love. It will never replace the love of a mother, but i never knew what that felt like in the first place.
What i do know, is that i will get through this storm. With God, my friends, and my family.
The week of this assignment involved: 📄 filing and serving a restraining order 👮🏻 phone calls with sheriffs, 🕵🏼 detectives, and 👨🏻💼 state attorneys 🤕 a nice little concussion 😢 a couple mental breakdowns 👨🏻⚖️ a few trips to some courts And yet…
I KILLED THIS ASSIGNMENT.
I will continue to thrive. I WILL finish my education and give my girls answers I the BEST possible life.
Because even though she knew I was suffering with domestic violence, a car accident, hospitalization, and chaos… she has not once reached out.
Because she’s a narcissist that loves on conditions not unconditionally. Because even though I hurt and yearn for a mother, she will never be that for me. Never can be. Never was.
Through all the hurts and pains of my life, shes stood by and happily watched her daughter suffer. That’s not what a mother does. That’s what a #narcmom does.
I am going to be okay. I am proving to my children what a real mother does. What true mother’s love is. They will never have to wonder if i love them. They will never have to suffer alone.
I am tired. But after 3 months, the case is finally closed.
Narcissists come in many shapes and forms. Covert narcissists are harder to spot and get away with their actions the longest. Their demeanor can convince others that they have done nothing wrong.
I am not hysterical. I have been a victim of a narcissist for over a decade. A victim of a narcissistic parent my entire childhood. My mother failed me. Because of her I learned how to walk on eggshells and handle a narcissist. Because of her, I fell into the cycle. She taught me to tolerate abuse with the hopes of receiving a pinch of kindness. So at age 18; I found a new person who took advantage of my broken heart.
Now, for over a decade; I have let this man come in and out of my children’s lives. Because I care for his mother. They are the only grandchildren so far. I am grateful for her. And she would send money, presents, cards, and love throughout these years. So it really hurt to read these text messages. I know as a parent you will always love and defend your child and I do not blame her for the anger. She loves her son unconditionally. I understand that. I am thankful for her because she took my children out of that situation on that day.
I just wanted my children to have their father. That’s why I let the cycle go on as long as I did. I hoped my children could have that father daughter relationship i have. My father has always been the parent that I know I can rely on. No matter what, my father has been there for me. Was he perfect? No. But he has fulfilled his role as a father and shown me that a child should be loved unconditionally.
I longed for my children to have that relationship.
It’s unfortunate that this ended up this way yet again. But unlike the many other times, we are both in the same state. Unlike the multiple other times I have been subjected to his abuse, something was done. Do I think the sentence was fair? Not quite. Mostly, I’m just relieved that something was done this time.
———————Mugshot Disclaimer———————-
FLst 119.01
(1) It is the policy of this state that all state, county, and municipal records are open for personal inspection and copying by any person. Providing access to public records is a duty of each agency.
“Arrest records which include mugshots are public documents and form part of the arrest history of an arrestee. Arrest data include biographical information, charges, fingerprints and mugshots of the suspects. In accordance with the Florida Public Records Act, law enforcement agencies across the state provide public access to this information by publishing them on their websites.”
A narcissist is good at wearing the mask. They’re good with the public. They’re usually ’respected’ and praised often. Behind closed doors is when the mask comes off. Once they get comfortable, the real them shows.
A narcissistic parent:
Withholds love and tries to put out the light so their child will constantly be seeking their approval. But in public, they will praise that child and take credit for their accomplishments so that THEY get the praise and not the child.
The parent will not let the child find their own “style” unless it’s something that makes the parent look good.
They will emotionally neglect the child and belittle their mental health claims. Usually withholding medical care to prevent the child from speaking up about what goes on at home.
When they have more than 1 child, More often than not, they will choose a scapegoat. That one child will always be “the bad kid”, “problem child”, “embarrassment” etc.
When you are their scapegoat, You will never please a narcissistic parent. Nothing will ever be good enough for them.
After The Wolf 