Tag / recovery

by lifeafterthewolf

On the sidewalk crying out for you.

Early morning 3/29, i found myself on the side walk sobbing and calling out for my mommy.

I had just regained consciousness from hitting my head on the sidewalk. I was being held in the arms of my abuser. He said he “saved” me. He was the reason i was on the ground in the first place. Trying to escape him.

I will never understand why my heart wanted my mother so badly. Why i kept calling out “i want my momma, i want my mommy…”. But i did. And when i tried to call a few days later after years of no contact, i was let down yet again.

Over the last two years I’ve experienced a lot. But over the last few months, the most unimaginable things. My heart hurts. My soul is sad. I long for a mother that never existed. I long to be held the way i cradle my daughters when they’re in despair.

But I will never have that. I never did.
I’m still in the battle zone. I will be for a while. But i have found an amazing support system who loves me. A new momma that cares about me. A bunso who protects me. Though my poppa, brother, and sister are far away, i feel their love. It will never replace the love of a mother, but i never knew what that felt like in the first place.

What i do know, is that i will get through this storm. With God, my friends, and my family.

by lifeafterthewolf

The wolves won’t stop my education

I will rise above.

The week of this assignment involved:
📄 filing and serving a restraining order
👮🏻 phone calls with sheriffs, 🕵🏼 detectives, and 👨🏻‍💼 state attorneys
🤕 a nice little concussion
😢 a couple mental breakdowns
👨🏻‍⚖️ a few trips to some courts
And yet…

I KILLED THIS ASSIGNMENT.

I will continue to thrive. I WILL finish my education and give my girls answers I the BEST possible life.

by lifeafterthewolf

My Poppa 💕

Mi roca. Mi suporte. Mi papá.
Gracias por todo lo que haces.
Por siempre estar ahí para mí.

Me amas a través de todos los altibajos de la vida.
No me culpas ni me avergüenzas.
Estás ahí para mí cuando estoy débil y animándome cuando soy fuerte.

Mis hijas tienen mucha suerte de tenerte como abuelo. Tengo paz en mi corazón sabiendo que apreciarán todos los recuerdos que hagas con ellas. Estoy feliz que saben que es tener tu amor.

Más de 1500 millas nos separan ahora. Pero la distancia no importa. Siempre estás ahí por mi. Cuando estoy en la misma ciudad o a más de 3000 millas de distancia. Se que siempre estás ahí.

Te amo papá. Por siempre.

  • Tus bebes bebes 💕

——

My rock. My supporter. My poppa.
Thank you for everything you do.
For being there for me always.

You love me through all the ups and downs of life. You don’t blame or shame me. You are there for me when I am weak and cheering me on when I am strong.

My daughters are so lucky to have you as their grandpa. I have peace in my heart knowing that they will cherish all the memories that you make with them. I am glad they can experience your love.

Over 1500 miles separately us now. But you’ve been there for me always. Distance doesn’t matter. Whether I was down the road or over 3000 miles away. You are always there.

I love you Poppa. Por siempre.

  • Tus baby babies 💕

#abuelo #nietas #grandpa #poppa #mydad

by lifeafterthewolf

Late Diagnosis: Path to Healing

After years of struggling with various challenges, I’ve received a collection of diagnoses that offer insight into my life and experiences. 

Anxiety

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)

Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD)

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

These paint an accurate picture of my life. 
There was one additional diagnosis that stands out.

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

I expected this one. But seeing it on paper provided validation about myself. This never crossed my mind until I noticed so much of myself in my daughters. 

This connection urged me to explore the possibility of an Autism diagnosis for myself.

The confirmation of this diagnosis revealed a world I had always known existed but had never truly acknowledged in myself. It brought with it a wave of validation. It’s helping me understand myself and my past experiences through a new lens.

Receiving these diagnoses brings memories of my childhood trauma, particularly abuse from my mother. It is through the expertise of the psychiatrist and my therapist that the pieces have begun to fall into place. They have confirmed that my PTSD stems from the abuse experienced at the hands of my mother.

The effects of the trauma endured, leaving me feelings of inferiority, self-doubt, and guilt that continued well past my childhood. At the same time, these experiences have helped guide me in my own parenting decisions. I am by no means perfect, but I am growing as a mother because of this.

Having the diagnoses on paper does not excuse or justify my mother’s actions. They are, however, empowering. It’s a turning point in my journey of life acceptance. I wasn’t ‘a bad child’—I was an autistic child navigating a difficult world. This new awareness has helped my self-compassion and fueled my journey to healing.

I encourage you to reflect on your own journey. Our diagnoses, our experiences, and our challenges do not define us, but they can guide us towards a deeper understanding of ourselves. 

Give yourself some grace and patience. 

There is life,

After the Wolf.

Resources for Further Support and Information:

by lifeafterthewolf

Trauma Therapy

This week, I had my therapist and a neuropsychologist refer me to trauma therapy.

No, not because of things that happened in my adult life. As traumatic as they are, I have been slowly working through those. However, I struggle most with my childhood.

This seems to be a repeating pattern. Every time I begin treatment with a mental health provider, I shut down when it comes time to talk about my childhood. My childhood is mostly black, and the memories that I do have are not positive. Unfortunately, it seems that the root of my issues is the relationship, or lack of, with my mother.

The long lasting effects of the childhood abuse has caused issues with myself and my own parenting. I see so much of myself in my children and I get triggered so easily because of it. When I look at my daughters, I cannot fathom ever saying the things that were said to me. I can’t imagine putting my hands on them the way my mother laid her hands on me. I hold them in my arms the way I wish I would have been held.

That’s a good thing right? Of course it is. For my children. But it is so mentally draining for myself. I am often reminded of the things I did not receive. And to be quite honest, I get jealous.

Those who know me personally know that my children have had to deal with traumatic experiences throughout their childhood. The guilt weighs down on me every day. I get so angry at myself sometimes because I feel like it could’ve been prevented had I had a different childhood. If I hadn’t been made to feel like I was worthless constantly, I wouldn’t have spent my adulthood believing that I was unworthy of positivity and love. Maybe things could’ve been different? I can’t change the past, but I really want to change the future for my daughters.

I know that I have received support from a multitude of people as an adult. And I am so so grateful. Even those who have told me that they were not helping me for me, but that they were helping me because of my daughters and their love for them. That’s OK. I’m thankful for them.

I am so grateful that my sister has stepped in various times in my life to help me with my children when she could while balancing her own struggles. That, even though she and I did not have a good relationship as children and estranged relationship as adults, she still was so selfless in her love. I am so thankful for my other sister and my aunt in Mexico, who also selflessly stepped in to help me in my times of need. I’m so thankful for my father, who continues to support & love me and my daughters whole heartedly through all of my mistakes. Thankful for my younger brother who has a big brother heart and spirit. Who has rescued me multiple times, especially with my car troubles. I’m thankful for my youngest brother who I have an estranged relationship with due to my mother. Thankful because I hold on to hope that I can one day have a relationship with him.

So many times I have been pointed towards trauma therapy, and I have ran. I was not ready to face the reality of my childhood. Quite frankly, I’m not sure if I ever will be. But what I do know is that I am desperately clinging onto hope that this could help me. I am so afraid. I don’t know if I want to know what happened. I’m afraid of repressed memories.

I have to do this though. I want to be a better mother. Right now I’m doing the best that I can but I know that my unresolved issues with my childhood will continue the weigh down on me.

So I’m going to try.

Wish me luck.