Tag / writing

by lifeafterthewolf

Late Diagnosis: Path to Healing

After years of struggling with various challenges, I’ve received a collection of diagnoses that offer insight into my life and experiences. 

Anxiety

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)

Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD)

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

These paint an accurate picture of my life. 
There was one additional diagnosis that stands out.

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

I expected this one. But seeing it on paper provided validation about myself. This never crossed my mind until I noticed so much of myself in my daughters. 

This connection urged me to explore the possibility of an Autism diagnosis for myself.

The confirmation of this diagnosis revealed a world I had always known existed but had never truly acknowledged in myself. It brought with it a wave of validation. It’s helping me understand myself and my past experiences through a new lens.

Receiving these diagnoses brings memories of my childhood trauma, particularly abuse from my mother. It is through the expertise of the psychiatrist and my therapist that the pieces have begun to fall into place. They have confirmed that my PTSD stems from the abuse experienced at the hands of my mother.

The effects of the trauma endured, leaving me feelings of inferiority, self-doubt, and guilt that continued well past my childhood. At the same time, these experiences have helped guide me in my own parenting decisions. I am by no means perfect, but I am growing as a mother because of this.

Having the diagnoses on paper does not excuse or justify my mother’s actions. They are, however, empowering. It’s a turning point in my journey of life acceptance. I wasn’t ‘a bad child’—I was an autistic child navigating a difficult world. This new awareness has helped my self-compassion and fueled my journey to healing.

I encourage you to reflect on your own journey. Our diagnoses, our experiences, and our challenges do not define us, but they can guide us towards a deeper understanding of ourselves. 

Give yourself some grace and patience. 

There is life,

After the Wolf.

Resources for Further Support and Information:

by lifeafterthewolf

Dear Mother

Dear Mother,

I needed you. 

I needed to be loved.

I needed the love of a mother.

I watched as you hugged and loved my siblings.

Peeking through the cracks in the door

My heart filled with jealousy.

Always made to feel inferior.

Like an embarrassing mistake.

Always wondering why I wasn’t enough.

I was the target for your anger.

Your eyes were filled with rage.

Your hands were powered by hate.

When my feelings overpowered,

I turned to self harm.

Anything to drown the chaos in my mind.

I would hide in the closet,

Wrapped up in blankets,

& pretend they were your touch.

My nights spent crying.

Praying to God to take me.

Wondering if I’d ever be enough.

by lifeafterthewolf

A wolf in sheep’s clothing.

A wolf in sheep’s clothing.

A narcissist is good at wearing the mask.
They’re good with the public.
They’re usually ’respected’ and praised often.
Behind closed doors is when the mask comes off. Once they get comfortable, the real them shows.

A narcissistic parent:

Withholds love and tries to put out the light so their child will constantly be seeking their approval. But in public, they will praise that child and take credit for their accomplishments so that THEY get the praise and not the child.

The parent will not let the child find their own “style” unless it’s something that makes the parent look good.

They will emotionally neglect the child and belittle their mental health claims. Usually withholding medical care to prevent the child from speaking up about what goes on at home.

When they have more than 1 child, More often than not, they will choose a scapegoat. That one child will always be “the bad kid”, “problem child”, “embarrassment” etc.

When you are their scapegoat, You will never please a narcissistic parent. Nothing will ever be good enough for them.

  • AfterTheWolf ♥